introspection.

Sitting amidst tall trees and wild creatures, i discovered, two things could happen.. one could either click many many pictures and feel satisfied with themselves or get lost in thoughts of a completely different time or situation.

The adventurer in me wanted to explore and click, was enthusiastic about recording these moments spend in wilderness. The dreamer in me won.

So i blog, for a small house about 4500 ft above sea level in a beautiful place called wayanad in kerala has given me time to stop and think. To think about the many things one often discards as unimportant or too much of a hassle.

I am a girl of nineteen and therefore my life is limited (yes i choose to use that word) to education.. that is college, entertainment.. friends, hangouts etc and family. Today my thoughts drifted particularly towards college, something i impulsively block from my memory.

When i walked through the gates of Sri Venkateswara College for admission, it seemed dirty, poorly maintained, haphazard but welcoming. Yes, i liked the place for what it was, a place i later christened as "Chaul" - inspired from the Bombay Chauls.

But as days passed in this college i felt lost (although you can't lose your way in the keyhole building), i started brooding and hoping for classes to be cancelled. I was never a brooder - Hell no! In fact, i thought i'd do great in college for i always took the initiative to talk to people..

That was my first mistake.

The first lesson i learnt in college was, Be Unfriendly.

By the time i quietened down, the College Societies had started with their trials.. Bad timing. I didn't feel like auditioning - not even for the drama societies.

Letting people know who i was, instead of making me comfortable to my environment brought me down. I felt exposed, to people who liked only those like themselves.

My second mistake led me to my..

Second lesson in college, Be Fake.

As the days grew into weeks, and weeks into months i made a handful of friends. It really felt like a great achievement, for by then i had given up. They gave me hope and i tried to get back to who i really was.. I got confident of myself and started answering and debating in class.

Third mistake.

If you want to be liked in college by classmates, at least in front of the professors.. Be Stupid.

I kept telling myself that all these lessons are not true and am just being cynical.. But no. Things never got any better. I started believing that "I" am wrong and that "I" should be what everyone expects of me. I write this because i know a lot of us fear insecurities, i am just putting mine on a platter.

It didn't take me long to feel the need to actively participate in college events, the truth was that i believed this would fill up the void in me. I joined fine arts, but i still think of them as "them". Fine arts never became "us" for me.

With all these thoughts cluttering my mind i still had space to appreciate my professors and satya niketan market (!) but the more i tried to cheer up the more i saw people mock me, disrespect me, ignore me or worse pretend to be friendly. Yes, i may sound whiny.. but hey, you could stop reading here.. I just need to vent it out.

Btw, have you guys ever wondered how Delhi's Uber Urbane youth is so Anglacised? Hey I have no issues with what you guys wear, or watch, or listen.. but that doesn't mean you get the access to mock my interests.

If i listen to mohit chauhan instead of chris daughtry, it may just be cause chauhan sings well too. ever thought of it?

if you don't know a certain character from a certain television sitcom you become "un-real", and if you haven't read a certain book, "what the f are you doing in eng hons DUDE?".

College brings with it generalizations, categorizations and over-expectations.

If you fit the bill, You're God.

If you don't, F off.

I just have one question to ask, "If I were to become like all of you, don't we all end up lacking an identity?"