Wednesday, May 26, 2010

introspection.

Sitting amidst tall trees and wild creatures, i discovered, two things could happen.. one could either click many many pictures and feel satisfied with themselves or get lost in thoughts of a completely different time or situation.
The adventurer in me wanted to explore and click, was enthusiastic about recording these moments spend in wilderness. The dreamer in me won.
So i blog, for a small house about 4500 ft above sea level in a beautiful place called wayanad in kerala has given me time to stop and think. To think about the many things one often discards as unimportant or too much of a hassle.
I am a girl of nineteen and therefore my life is limited (yes i choose to use that word) to education.. that is college, entertainment.. friends, hangouts etc and family. Today my thoughts drifted particularly towards college, something i impulsively block from my memory.
When i walked through the gates of Sri Venkateswara College for admission, it seemed dirty, poorly maintained, haphazard but welcoming. Yes, i liked the place for what it was, a place i later christened as "Chaul" - inspired from the Bombay Chauls.
But as days passed in this college i felt lost (although you can't lose your way in the keyhole building), i started brooding and hoping for classes to be cancelled. I was never a brooder - Hell no! In fact, i thought i'd do great in college for i always took the initiative to talk to people..

That was my first mistake.
The first lesson i learnt in college was, Be Unfriendly.

By the time i quietened down, the College Societies had started with their trials.. Bad timing. I didn't feel like auditioning - not even for the drama societies.
Letting people know who i was, instead of making me comfortable to my environment brought me down. I felt exposed, to people who liked only those like themselves.

My second mistake led me to my..
Second lesson in college, Be Fake.

As the days grew into weeks, and weeks into months i made a handful of friends. It really felt like a great achievement, for by then i had given up. They gave me hope and i tried to get back to who i really was.. I got confident of myself and started answering and debating in class.

Third mistake.
If you want to be liked in college by classmates, at least in front of the professors.. Be Stupid.

I kept telling myself that all these lessons are not true and am just being cynical.. But no. Things never got any better. I started believing that "I" am wrong and that "I" should be what everyone expects of me. I write this because i know a lot of us fear insecurities, i am just putting mine on a platter.

It didn't take me long to feel the need to actively participate in college events, the truth was that i believed this would fill up the void in me. I joined fine arts, but i still think of them as "them". Fine arts never became "us" for me.

With all these thoughts cluttering my mind i still had space to appreciate my professors and satya niketan market (!) but the more i tried to cheer up the more i saw people mock me, disrespect me, ignore me or worse pretend to be friendly. Yes, i may sound whiny.. but hey, you could stop reading here.. I just need to vent it out.

Btw, have you guys ever wondered how Delhi's Uber Urbane youth is so Anglacised? Hey I have no issues with what you guys wear, or watch, or listen.. but that doesn't mean you get the access to mock my interests.
If i listen to mohit chauhan instead of chris daughtry, it may just be cause chauhan sings well too. ever thought of it?
if you don't know a certain character from a certain television sitcom you become "un-real", and if you haven't read a certain book, "what the f are you doing in eng hons DUDE?".

College brings with it generalizations, categorizations and over-expectations.
If you fit the bill, You're God.
If you don't, F off.

I just have one question to ask, "If I were to become like all of you, don't we all end up lacking an identity?"





9 comments:

  1. Whoa dude.
    Also -
    "If i listen to mohit chauhan instead of chris daughtry, it may just be cause chauhan sings well too. ever thought of it?"
    *FIVE!*

    Damn baldy. :|

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  2. :)
    i do have a strange way of thinking, yes.
    but i'll give up on it for nothing.

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  3. so true..labels,categories nd old school eng dept snobbism..u got it all ryt...am frm lsr nd cudn't hav agreed more...

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  4. hmmm read your blog and quite identified with it, I have done my Eng hons from Hansraj, Masters too and then B.ed from CIE and am teaching in a high school in tokyo, Japan... just happened to see your blog thinking you were someone else but couldnt help commenting...

    I still remember the english hons high class snobbism... but you know what its been 7 yrs i am out of college and because I survived that snobbism I am happily out in the world to face anything the world had to offer and eventually convert it into love because finally I made it to Masters but none of the snobs could... and when i see them i wonder where they are and how happy they seem...

    even if they were doing well that doesnt mean we wont do well... if anybody jus puts you down that does not mean you have to take that just let them rub their faces and go live in that pretentious world you be real and keep liking chauhan nothing wrong in it... if you would make it and eventually if you ll go for masters and all you ll never meet these people coz there u only meet real people who themselves will be happy to hear your likes and dislikes and not comment on them...

    SO whatever these people say just tread your own path you ll realise that even if you have no followers you are not a follower yourself and you ll be proud of it...

    these people would never matter to you I have stood the test of time and I am telling you by experience... I had never read a novel even when I entered this course still I was proud of my original self. In college people are just out there to gain all the attention and the process makes them slughter many who come in their way... so dont worry girl you ll laugh at these people when you ll see after 5 yrs where they are and where you are...

    so just laugh and make real people as friends... i had many friends but only 3 or 4 are still with me and none of them are english hons people... so the college is full of people dont restrict yourself to these they ll never stand by... and those who will , will be proud of you liking chauhan than chris...

    Rashmi Panjwani

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  5. Thankyou for your comments, Rashmi and Shambhavi.

    I feel pacified to know there are more like me out there.
    Rashmi, your account has been greatly inspirational.. but i really don't hold grudges. I suppose that doesn't always work in my favour.

    Shambhavi, LSR is a great place to be.. but i find it slightly more difficult to survive women, so i guess i understand.

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  6. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined you, of all people to write in such a defeatist attitude.

    You were the one beacon I used to turn to whenever I thought of broadening my social horizons. Now, I seriously reconsider.

    Take a moment and read again to just how desperate you sound to fit in. And now you're probably going to want to tell me how I have to be there to understand it. But believe me I do, its the same breed of people I went to school with. So showcasing your talents, been there....answering in class, topping the streams, done that too.

    It is not a process of side-lining or seclusion, its a filter. You weed out the unworthy and are left with people who aren't sheep, aren't opinionated and won't be afraid to cave in your skull for your stupidity and then treat it too.

    So dump this brooding attitude of yours, get back in the mainstream. Here is a piece of advice. Play in the present but for the future. So to this bunch of sheep, don't bother treating them as equals. Use your skills to downsize them and see the people lining up to follow you.

    From personal experience: I walk around any other contemporary science guy with a huge superiority complex(half of DU) because I know for a fact that my college and my work ensures that if everything goes even okay, I will have a much higher fiscal, social and power standings than 95% of them. I make few friends because of this, but then again it just means that all of my friends are my equals or betters in their own right.

    By the time I login next, I hope you have changed the tone to something more aggressive....because this coming from your pen is just not acceptable

    -Rbk

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  7. :) i just saw this.
    interestingly, i just finished writing something sort of aggressive and thats when i checked comments on this.

    thanks re.
    means much.

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  8. There shouldn't be any process of trying and fitting in with others in the first place.
    What I have come to learn from my experiences at college is that whichever way the wind blows, one must stick by what defines them or one might just get lost in that huge world. And this is what which helps one to regain their balance when they start to trip. There are ever so many kind of people in this world and none like who you are and that is what makes us all unique.
    People would love you for who you are and not who they want you to be. And remember, not all people are fake, there are also people like you.
    Just imagine: Who is a bigger fool, the fool or the one who follows him?
    And, dint I tell you, I love you just the way you are..

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